cowboy runaway

i don't want to hear how
irrational
feelings are.

i don't want to hear how
irrational
i'm being.

i just want to hear that
you miss me too

but maybe i'm lying to myself.
and maybe i'm jealous because another
girl can be there for you.

maybe i'm broken, useless and used up.
maybe i've never been any good for you.

maybe i should just move on.

MAYBE I SHOULD SCREAM SO YOU COULD HEAR ME.
_{because whispering never worked.}

i'm lost and your feet were always planted so
firmly you could never run away with me.

i'm angry and you can't hear it anymore.
the tears on my face are real but
the cold in my heart cracks like
your ribcage.

I'M SHOUTING NOW HOPING SOMEONE WILL HEAR IT
_{but i know no one will and you loved that about me}

collab effort

on dA i got everyone to be involved in a collab where I write a starting sentence and they write how they feel after that and then the next person continues from the last sentence written. i only wrote the first and last sentences :)

current collab process. by *MekaMouse i'm catching fireflies and watching the breeze with the same enthusiasm as you when you catch colours on your tongue and watch my frozen breath in the winter. You used to try to find the end of the rainbow, not for gold, but for the adventure. I asked to come with you, you said 'always' But we all know that always doesn't last forever. Like melted snow in a city street, or thoughts floating in the breeze. The words you whispered to me so long ago have vanished now, stealing away the tender passion with which you held me. They linger about my mind, catching me unaware at awkward times, like the minuscule moment between dream and reality. But now, reality is a dream and the dream is a nightmare. And this isn't the nightmare you can stop. You can't wish it away; you can't open your eyes if they were never closed. But I'm stepping out of the dream machine I was kept in, your hand in mine we swore we'd be unstoppable. first part: me second part: *ThatUsernameIsTaken third part: ~Scattle fourth part: ~beautifulmindhazard fifth part: ~angelicXimperfection sixth part: =CaronCecilia seventh part: ~Kn1ghtofDarknes eighth part: ~Scattle ninth part: me

that's a matter of opinion because when you know me it's not a matter of right or wrong just what's best

that's a matter of opinion by *MekaMouse i'm watching your insomniac pleasures fill my bleeding pores. i'm filling your dead liquids with kerosene as the cigarette slips from my fingers. your comatose mind is filled with hidden doors but your crazed body is filled with speed and i can't watch you do this anymore. you are filled with candy coated wishes but unfortunately for you i grew up. you are filled with butterfly kisses but i never did like pretty things. i'm filled with kiss-it-better love but you are bleeding on my carpet floor that i tried so desperately to keep clean. i'm filled with i-want-it-now and you are too preoccupied with not-right-now-i'm-busy-with-work. you are filled with a college budget but i want champagne baths. your mind is filled with grocery shopping and i just want to eat (you) i'm filled with reasons to leave but you still want me i'm filled with potholes and cracks in my asphalt makeup but you come equipped with drywall filler and a steamroller you worry that one day we'll run out of excuses i worry one day we'll run out of love you worry we'll end i worry it will be violent you worry you'll die alone i worry i'll have to bury you...

current collab.

if you guys remember a while back i posted asking for someone to do a collab with me. Kn1ghtofdarknes was willing and able. So we embarked on our little quest. We are doing a collab about our d&d (dungeons and dragons) characters. This is what we have so far (typed out) it's a little rough around the edges and we are working on editing it a little more but this is the basic storyline so far :)

A small halfling rogue is on a barstool by the front. She laughs and swirls her stool while talking to the gentleman next to her. Her words slur while the gentleman nods and smiles. The bartender told him to “play nice because she doesn’t always.”

A sly elf mingles throughout the bar, looking for a quick job. He passes the halfling smirking “just another drunk girl” he thinks to himself. Laughing and jesting with some people then moving on when they have no work for him. Suddenly he sees a motley crew walk in the bar. They stride towards the halfling. “I can not just let this pass. Besides, perhaps someone with work for a mercenary will see my skills and hire me” he thinks to himself.

The halfling doesn’t notice the company of people enter the bar. A male human strides in front with a female elf close by his side. A female half-elf and a male shifter walk close behind the two. The gentleman beside her was keeping her interest until she felt a tap on the shoulder. She spins her chair to face the person behind her. “Hello there.” She says a faint glimmer of mischief in her eyes. “Lidia. Do you know anything about my girlfriend’s purse going missing? Seems it disappeared about the same time you left the group...” Lidia’s laugh was loud like the sound of bells. The human’s eyes became hard. “Seems filling because if I recall right I was never given my share.” Lidia smiled. The humans seems thrown off. Then all of a sudden his elf girlfriend pipes up: "She did. She just took mine." A knife is thrown at her, but she catches it. "That wasn't very nice now was it?" Her grin widening. "Sorry barkeep. Seems this crowd ain't the friendly type." The barkeeper laughs: "Never is with you Lidia."

The elf mercenary overhears the exchange and seeing the dagger knows a fight is about to break out. He knows that the elven bows would be useless in a bar, so he walks towards the human and taps him on the shoulder and says with a smile on his face, "Excuse me, but what kind of fight is it when four people gang up on one small halfling?" At that the man tries to draw his sword but the elf was faster by far and his two swords slashed across his abdomen. One cut started to burn as though acid was boiling away the skin and the man was rocked by a sudden bolt of electricity that sped through him. He fell to the floor. Shifting his momentum he kicked the elf in the chest which sent her flying into the table behind her where some of the men who grabbed her did some, unruly, things to her and had her pinned.

Lidia laughs at the human while sitting on the bar. Suddenly the half-elf comes running at her. She catches her dagger flying through the air and throw a silvered shuriken at the shifter (who is mildly annoyed by it. not killed. it's just werewolves who can be killed.) The half-elf starts screaming in elvish: "You've killed him. May the light take you." (Lidia can understand Common, Draconic, Deep speech, Abyssal, and Giant so she don't know what she is saying) She catches her and throws her on the bar. The halfling’s eyes catch hers and she whispers to her with teeth bared: "Run now. You've worked with me before. You know what I can do." She pulled herself off the bar and high tailed it out of there. She then runs to grab the female elf when the elf mercenary pulled her aside "Leave her. Besides what do you think you are doing? I had it." My grin widened and she laughed. "You think I'm drunk. Look mister. I might be drunk but I could still slit your neck blindfolded. But I also know it's not right to leave a woman to the mercy of a mercenary. Now get your hands of me and fight and just remember. I might be a "small halfling" but I've seen more death at my own hands then anyone else's." (During this the shifter picked the silver shuriken out of his shoulder. The feeling burning him he dropped it on the floor and ran out of the bar muttering to himself how he didn't need this.)

The elf laughs and concedes to help the halfling, suddenly very interested in her. As they walk over to the table where the elf is being accosted, the mercenaries back down and release her. The elf gathers her things and sees the human lying on the ground still smoking from the electricity that arced through his body and flies into a blind rage, throwing herself at the mercenary. He deftly catches her hand, brings it around to her back, releases the knife at her belt and slits her throat, killing her instantly. He then lies her down and says "Lilain, fuh ashai." Then he crosses her arms and tells the barkeep to bury the two together if he can.

Lidia is apologizing to the barkeeper. She gives him some money for the proper burial. She looks at the elf and tilts my head to the side: "What did you say to her? Just now."

"Once an elf's love is given, it can never be given again. It was a mercy for me to kill her, and I told her that she will be joining him soon to love each other for eternity. So what was that about being able to slit my throat blindfolded?" I finished with a smile.

"Thank you for explaining your culture to me. I'm always curious to learn. I never paid attention in class when it came to culture and I wish I had. It saddens me that you can only have one love ever. I wish I could be that trusting with one person." Her lips curling she turned to look at him with mischief in her eyes. "Yes sir I could. Death has followed me most of my life. So in turn I give death something to be appeased by. My life can not be shown in one small measure but my skills could." At the other end of the bar someone started to clap. As the man started to clap, Lidia turned to him with curiosity in her eyes. She turned to the mercenary beside her one eyebrow cocked with sarcasm as he began to speak.

"Bravo, what a spectacular show you two performed! Would you be interested in some work my friends?" The man said, a sinister smile crept onto his face. He wore common merchants clothing, with a gaudy display of earrings and jewelry. It's amazing that no one seemed to notice him. "You are a good judge of skill my lord. I Falian Blurstrike, formerly of the Blue Fang shall take you up on your offer." "Excellent, now what about you my dear? Care to make some money?"

Lidia turned and faced the mercenary beside her a smile in her eyes. "Blurstrike? A count to how fast you can move in combat yes? My curiosity must be showing when I ask you how is that you came by this name? I'm sure you were not always so quick. Also Blue Fang? I'm sure there is some intriguing history there." The merchant getting more and more impatient as Lidia talked her voice starting to irk him. Her eyes showed kindness but the blood on the armor she wore meant business. His temper rising as she pushed each and every one of his buttons. "I see your temper rising there. Tell me your name." The redness in his face showing and the clear loss of words his friend stood up beside him. Lidia looked at his friend and stopped him with a single stare. "You. You are the man who hired him yes? He clearly didn't fit in here so to distract from you. His voice is booming and loud as well as his shape." The man made a disgruntled sound at "shape".

"My name is Al'Shaw. I am the man you would be working for yes. I am surprised you noticed so much even though you were fighting." Lidia grinned. "I noticed while I was talking. I am a girl. I can multitask ... And as for the work you speak of. I prefer to know what I'm signing up for before I actual sign my name in blood. I've dealt with the devil before and I decided I like my soul."

colour me gray

yesterday you kissed my spine to keep it together.
yesterday i tried to burn off the lipstick marks you made.

today you tried to put together my jigsaw puzzle of a brain.
today i tried to hide the pieces i'd left on the ground.

tomorrow you will try to help a lost cause.
tomorrow i'll pretend i don't care.

the clock ticks, time flies.
the ground shifts, children cry.

kiss my eyes so i won't see the contact lenses i wear to
colour the world something else instead of gray;
and i'll kiss your mouth so i don't have to hear
something you'll regret.

_{if you pretend not to care anymore i'll probably fall apart.
if i show you the way i love it best you'll run.
but this world is too short for "if's" and "but's"
we need to make room for "and".}

liquid dreams

My heart snapped for the same reason your spine did, fear.

It was always both our faults and never less painful.

“Kiss my vertebrae better and I'll fix the gaping hole in your chest.”

But you never could trust me and I couldn’t work on the faith we might love without pain one day.

Our blood spread in a crippled circle around us,

Our lips full of whispered screams,

Our tongues suppressed by swollen ruptures of time.

Tell me you wanted more then licked wounds and kiss-it-better cuts.

Tell me you wanted more then promises on the fly and miss-you-more lies.

tattoo redhead

today my sister is giving me tattoos on my feet.
don't freak. they are fake. but awesome.
my sister will be a pretty good tattoo artist someday I think.
at the very least fake tattoos XD

Credits

Btw totally forgot to give props to the person I bought my contacts from: Coslenses
Check 'em out?

So

So I'm trying out mozilla thunderbird.
It's a mail application.
Meh.
Let you know if it works XD

Been trying to catch you the way the ocean hugs the shore. I've been stuck watching lunatics and depressed megalomaniacs tell the world who never accepted them that they are the ones at loss. I'm caught in a torrent of calm as my eyes flutter shut.

Watch my heart grind to a halt as you kiss my spine. Your lips soft and lush. Your shadow creeps in my room the way "open" flashes like a neon sign outside my door.

old poem

"Nevermore" I said to you.
Your eyes became questions tickling the edges of my mind.
"Brush my neck with your teeth, and kiss me with your shadows."
An old me once said: "Because then maybe the bright lights will fade me away..."

I cried silently for the loss of that person you once knew.
Mayhaps I'm speaking in riddles only because myself I confuse.
"Lenore" you called to me through the darkness,
"Lenore, oh my lost Lenore."
I just wanted you silenced.
I had finally found the despair of darkness and didn't want it taken away from me.
"My lost angel, Lenore." Damn you Edgar. I loved you once but by my name you call me away from this shoreline.

So as a raven I came to you in a waking dream. I sat upon the bust above your door and waited for you to notice me. But as I was a bird I could say but one word. "Nevermore"

I cried to you as you asked me questions rephrased over and over again.
I had hated you for calling upon me in my paradise but now I knew that you had merely been driven sane with my death and so had lost all thought of reason.
Ah my love. I knew you once as insane, driven mad by the drink in hopes of keeping in touch with reality while slipping into the underworld. Yet you wanted nothing more then to fall away beneath the boards of your floor, where hidden away lay your broken heart. I wanted to know if it still beat for me but all I could utter was "nevermore", I wanted to know if you were doing well but no other words could be released from my beak.

You called me "thing of evil, a prophet still if bird or devil." You asked me if I still lived on some distant shore, merely away from your undying love. I killed you with my black greedy eyes and my silently relentless tongue. I watched your sanity return to you with black shadows creeping by your fireplace and I watched as your house burned to the ground around you but still I sit on the bust of Pallas just above your chamber door, merely because I may not return to my night's Plutonian shore.

By my name you called me and here I sit, waiting and watching for when you die. For then I shall return to my tempest seas, dragging your soul with me, into the very depths of insanity and I shall show you the meaning of the word i n s a n e. I shall show you the meaning of the word s o r r o w, and your soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted - nevermore!

My other contacts

NEW CONTACTS!

I'm in love with them.
I also got a green pair.
Which I will upload at a later time. :)
Seriously they are really nice and fit really well.
They kinda cut off the edges of my vision a little. but meh.

AWESOME SORT OF UPDATE!

School ends 6 days from now.
I have till the 7th of June.
OHGODHELPBLARGHI'MGONNAFAIL.
But ... yeah.

The end is NIGH

So today is the end of school for me.
I got cut by like 2-3 weeks and wasn't told till like end of feb.
That kills me!
I feel like crap because I've got like nothing done.
GAHHH!
Oh well I sent my counselor an email and hopefully they get back to me....
I really hope they do because I would like to graduate sometime ;)
Oh well. Ce La Vie.